Setting boundaries can be one of the trickiest parts of parenting—and maintaining them can be even harder. Depending on our parenting style and personality, some of us may find it easier than others to establish clear limits and consistently follow through. Yet setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is an important part of helping children feel secure, understand expectations, and develop self-regulation.
“First and foremost, our job is to keep our children safe, physically and emotionally.”
The challenge can be figuring out just how to go about setting boundaries that are firm, fair and effective. So, let’s take a closer look at what boundaries for our younger children are all about, and how we can best use them for the intended purpose of keeping children safe and minimize power struggles in the relationship.
Why bother with boundaries?
Boundaries are actions we take to keep our children safe, healthy, and well. They are an essential part of parenting because adults are responsible for making decisions that support a child’s well-being, both now and in the long term.
Children may believe that a few tablespoons of Nutella count as a nutritious dinner, but parents have the experience and knowledge to make healthier choices. Similarly, a child may not understand why a car seat or seatbelt is necessary, but parents must hold that boundary because safety is not negotiable.
Healthy boundaries aren't about controlling children. They are about providing the structure and protection children need while they gradually develop the skills to make safe, healthy decisions for themselves.
Boundaries are actions we take to keep our children safe and healthy.
What's the best approach?
Firstly, the tone of our delivery is important when we’re discussing boundaries with our children - clear, calm and firm is the goal.
Secondly, let’s talk wording. The way we structure a boundary, i.e. the language we use to define action and responsibility, can make a big difference to our parenting interactions.
Boundaries are not what we tell children not to do; boundaries are what we tell our children what we will do. Boundaries embody your authority as a parent and don’t require your child to do anything. We are not asking the child to be happy about, agree or comply with the boundary. We are simply telling the child what WE will do. That’s it
Reasons - within reason!
Supply a WHY - this really helps, but ensure it shouldn't be “Because I said so!”
Aim to give our children a simple reason as to why you are setting and/or maintaining a boundary. This isn’t about inviting our child into debate over our reasons or having to justify our rule. Rather, it’s about the fact that simple explanations help our children learn.
We have a saying : Rules without Reasons = Rebellion
Simple explanations help our children learn. Let’s have a look at boundary setting in real life (well, in these hypothetical parenting scenarios at least). See if you can hear the difference between the following statements:
“Hey! Turn the iPad off! You know the rules - you're not allowed on the iPad before 4PM!” Tone- (Exasperated tone, annoyance that the child is not being obedient, not sure how to get the message through….Often parents end up pleading or exploding.) | Vs | “It’s not your iPad time right now. We know screen time is quite addictive, so in our family we don’t turn the iPad on whenever we feel like it. I am going to put it away until it’s your screen time.”
Tone- (Calm tone, parent is feeling in charge.) |
In the initial response, the parent was telling the child what to do rather than explaining what they, the parent, were going to do. This means the boundary depends on the child’s obedience. What can then soon result is a conflict/ power struggle, and parents can also feel helpless – they are dependent on the child agreeing to comply. In the second approach, however, the focus is on what the parent is going to do. It isn’t a command - it’s simply stating what’s going to happen. This is more empowering for the parent and communicates more clearly to your child where the line is. | ||
Hey, no, no, no! You need to hold my hand when we are in the carpark/crossing the road! HEY STOP! YOU NEED TO HOLD MY HAND!” Tone- (Parent is frantically trying to get compliance, raising their voice etc.) | Vs | “In carparks and crossing roads, Mummy needs to keep you safe. I am going to hold your hand or carry you. Which one do you choose?”
Tone- (If they refuse either option, say “Okay, I am going to carry you”) |
“Stop that screaming! I am DRIVING! Can’t you see its dangerous to have all this commotion going on while I’m driving?!” Tone- (Parent is getting hot under the collar, and raising their voice to be heard and to get compliance from children that are otherwise occupied.) | Vs | “I am going to pull over. I am not going to drive while this commotion is happening in the car.”
Tone- (Parent is calm, sending a very clear message about how serious they are.)
|
“Stop fighting boys! You always end up fighting when you play on the trampoline together! For goodness sake! Cut it out!” Tone- (Parent is calling out and using their voice to try and stop the hitting/ kicking. Parent is asking the boys to regulate and have self-control at a moment when they have lost it – the brothers may well both be feeling enraged and that they are justified in continuing to hurt their sibling and are both yelling their reasons at the top of their lungs.) | “Okay, I am separating you two boys. I am not going to let you hurt each other like that. I will talk to each of you about what happened when we have all calmed down.”
Tone-(Parent has joined the boys on the trampoline and is physically separating them, catching their wrists if they continue to try and hit, and getting them to go to different parts of the house/ garden for a while until they have calmed down. Parent is not trying to sort out what happened/what is fair etc. in the heat of the moment but is creating space for everyone to calm down). | |
“That movie doesn’t sound appropriate for a bunch of children your age! I can’t believe they are showing that movie! Can’t you convince your friend to watch another one?” Tone- (Parent is pleading with the child to see their perspective, and to fight this battle for them with their peer.) | Vs |
“I won’t let you go to that sleepover because they are watching an R16 movie and you are only twelve. I know you are feeling left out, but I am not comfortable with it. Sorry bud.”
Tone-(Parent is empathetic, but firm that this is not in the child’s best interests.)
|
“Hey! We've already taught you how to use a pocketknife safely! Stop waving it around like that! Oh, you are obviously not old enough!" Tone- (Parent is conveying lots of exasperation, and shaming the child that they are ‘obviously not old enough’. Parent is hoping that this will spur the child on to rethinking how they are using the pocket-knife.) | Vs | “I am going to put this pocketknife away for a while because you are not using it safely.”
Tone- (Parent hasn’t given confusing messages to the child and is being firm about safety.)
|
The power of a reframe
Sometimes it takes a bit of work to re-word how we express boundaries - it can even feel like mental gymnastics! But, give it a go. Stating what we will do, rather than what our child can’t do, is a much more confident way to set a boundary.
You are not pleading with your child to comply; you are just telling them where the boundary is. Ultimately this creates security for our children who feel more secure when they know their parents are in charge.
As parents, we need to help our children clearly understand where the boundaries lie. Our children may not be happy or thrilled about the boundary, but, as Dr Kennedy says, “Our children should not dictate our boundaries, and we should not dictate their feelings.” Children are allowed to have an emotional response to a limit. At the end of the day, setting boundaries for our children is our job as parents, and we do this because we love them.
