The calmer a parent is in their communication with their child, the easier it is for children to hear, understand and assimilate the information. We want our children to cooperate with us because it feels good to them to do so. People of all ages enjoy the mutual love and appreciation that accompanies cooperation and teamwork, especially when they feel their contributions are valued.

Using “I” statements can be very effective when expressing our feelings relating to requests, limits and giving children feedback. Using “I” statements is a way of sharing our feelings and perspective that’s as non-blaming, non-critical and non-shaming as possible.

Using “I” statements can be very effective when expressing our feelings

relating to requests, limits and giving children feedback. Using “I” statements is a way of sharing our feelings and perspective that’s as non-blaming, non-critical and non-shaming as possible.

When limits and requests are expressed with genuine care for the child

the child feels more invited and involved than controlled and coerced. If they need more information or support before they cooperate, the child will feel freer to seek what they need in order to do what needs to be done.



Although calm communication works best, parents can’t help having an annoyed or frustrated reaction to their child at times, that’s just normal. Parents are not only human, but mostly very stretched and stressed humans; parents often feel exhausted, lacking in support and often feel very under-appreciated! It’s understandable that parents can feel very stressed as they juggle all the needs in the family.

Less “you” statements lead to less stress

In the absence of learning a different or better way of communicating, parents can rely too heavily on “You” statements like; “you must ..”, “you shouldn’t ..”, “why do you always …”, “why must you …”, “now you need to …. “, “you upset me when …. “, “you make me angry when you … “, “you better fix this now “, “you need to do your homework”, “you should make your bed”, “that’s not how you should do it”, “you need to learn to be more responsible”, “don’t you even think about it” etc. Too many “you” statements can all feel so critical, blaming and can add up to being pretty overwhelming for children of any age. In fact, the same is true for adults. Giving your child too many such “you” commands, requests and corrections puts you as the parent in the sergeant major role and can make it really hard, if not impossible, for your child cooperate in challenging situations. Too many “you” statements make it very difficult for your child to care about your feelings, to consider your needs and to respect your perspective.

The advantages of using “I” Statements.

“I” statements, on the other hand, are a way of communicating your requests, boundaries and limits to your child clearly, authentically and assertively but non-aggressively. The parent shows their feelings and provides great role modelling of how to express feelings without attacking, demanding, threatening or punishing.

“I” statements (for children and adults alike) are less likely to provoke a defensive reaction in the child;

• because the child feels less blamed,
• because the communication is more mature and level and excludes labels or harsh accusations,
• because it gives the child insight into the parent’s humanness,
• because it overall invites a more open communication than “you” statements.

Helpful guidelines for expressing “I” statements (in no particular order):

• Express what you see or the actual event that happened
• Express what you feel about what you see or what happened
• Express why you feel that
• Give reassurance of trusting and caring for your child (if relevant)
• Give child opportunity to change their behaviour or enter dialogue based on this information
• Express what you expect of your child, but only if they don’t figure it out themselves first.




Remember that you’re fostering integrity and self-discipline rather than empty obedience. What’s more important than your child helping you every time right when you ask is that they don’t gather stressful feelings that they’ll carry in their body relating to taking responsibility in future situations. Children are often more ready and able to take responsibility after their unpleasant feelings subside.